What about those they leave behind?

I am hesitant to talk to the new priest at my church.  Hesitant to get to know him, trust him, talk on a personal level with him, because if I do, I will experience a loss.

Within the space of two years, I lost a Monsignor, and an Associate.  Monsignor had baptized most of my children, had watched them grow, and knew them all my heart and name.  Then he retired. We had a goodbye party for him.  We wished him well, and smiled and hugged him.  Some of the older ladies were crying.

In came the new Pastor.  He was musical.  He played keyboard for me when I was singing, and no one else could play.  He was young compared to Monsignor.  He was modern.

The associate was still there.  He knew me by heart – as in the contents of my heart – the pain, the joy, the sorrow, the tears, the suffering, and the love.

He had listened to my most guarded thoughts, mistakes, and errors.  He had counseled me, and become the instrument to give me God’s forgiveness.  I trusted him, needed him, and was comforted by him.  And then he was gone – transferred, no longer here.  And my heart was broken.

In came the new associate – shining, exuberant, and wonderful.  He was open, available, loving and forgiving.  And I wanted nothing to do with him.

I am guarded; I am smiling - on the outside.   I am shaking hands and thanking him on the way out of mass.  And I am revealing nothing, at least not purposely.

A year has gone by.  I am just now starting to trust him. I am considering revealing myself a little at a time, a small piece here, holding back there.  I am scared, not wanting to be judged.  I am conflicted.  Because part of me knows, as soon as I let go, fully trust, and become honest with this man (which takes a long time for me,) he will be gone.  They will transfer him away, and send someone else.

And I will want nothing to do with the new priest.

I am aware that this man is only a representative of God.  But he's as close to knowing God as I can get. Because he is here, he is listening, forgiving, sacrificing, and praying - for me.

I know God is here, he created me, he loves me, and I am precious to him. But I can't see him, or hear directly from him, or interpret what he is saying.  I need a priest for that.  And I know that I never did thank my priest enough, or give him enough, (I like to give gifts, at holidays, and after particularly helpful counseling).  But I won't forget him, or forget about him, and what he has done for me.  I will miss him.  I will wish him well in his new assignment.  I will pray for him.  And I will talk to my new priest.